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Ah, Dear Liver, I Hardly Knew Thee Posted on 20 May 2007
by Paula on Epinions.com

The Bottom Line I'm looking for a liver. And I'm shocked.

Well, I suppose when they say "that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger" never met the drugs used in chemotherapy. This time around they didn't kill me but they weakened my liver to the point of obliteration. So that which did not kill my tumors has killed my liver.

So why write such a glum commentary on the state of life? In a word: Therapy. Cheap therapy at that.

When I was diagnosed with cancer I saw a fight within the confines of a diagnosis. Something specific, though I knew it could randomly move about in my body faster than the can of Ensure I drank this evening for dinner. Find tumor, kill tumor, move on.

Oh, to be sure I am not that simplistic in thought. I am fully aware of my mortality and thank the very good Lord I am at least comforted in knowing that the end is not truly The End. Yet, we all have plans undone, grandchildren waiting for a grandparent on "Special Friends Day" at school, and children who most certainly still need some input (whether they admit to it or not).

Life changes. Chemo kills....sometimes it kills perfectly healthy organs. Sometimes it leads livers to fail. Such is my avenue.

And so I may have to explain to three darling little grandchildren that Grandma will soon live not in a five minute drive but with Jesus. I may have to entrust my daughter's well-being with her father - he's been a wonderful partner for years, but he's no mother - and some dreams will remain dreams until I close my eyes for the last time.

Livers, I am finding, are very close to hearts. Not necessarily biologically speaking, but certainly true in my case. And hearts are, unfortunately, in the hands of medical professionals who will decide if I "qualify" to place my name on a list of others who have gone through their livers sooner than they had anticipated. Will I be worthy of someone else's liver? Will my cancer-ridden, chemo-eaten liver find a replacement in time? I suppose that depends on the mood of the medical professional who has the ability to place my name on a list.

Until that time, I remain drinking my liquid meals and praying for those I may leave behind, praying for some way to pray for a liver without praying for the death of someone else's loved one, and praying for a miracle. Not necessarily in that order.
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